Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
I didn't notice because vodka
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
Randomize
