fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Randomize
