I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Randomize
