I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Randomize
