I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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