Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Randomize
