Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
Randomize
