I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
