Screwed.edu
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
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