I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
May the power of my ass compel you!!
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
