I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
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