Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
Randomize
