Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
Randomize
