Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
