Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
