apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
What a dumb baby whore.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Randomize
