well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
