The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
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I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
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