I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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