don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
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