Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
i used baking grease as lip gloss
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
