Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
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