I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
Randomize
