the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize
