Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
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