Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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