I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
Did you just see the Batmobile???
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize
