sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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