I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
