i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
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