The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
