I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
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