I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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