i think my tv is drunk
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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