just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Randomize
