took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Do you think Root Touch Up or Just for Men would work better on pubes?
Randomize
