I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
