Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Randomize
