What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
