I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
It's blow job season.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
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