I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
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