I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
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