You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
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Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
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If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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