The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize
