worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
