I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
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