Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
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