just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
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