Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
