im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
