shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
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He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
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I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
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