woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Another day, another engagement, another cat
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
