oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
Please explain to me what this has to do with my fantasy to fuck larry king?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
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