the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
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