this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
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