Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
